Ever since I’ve started seeing trailers for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, I’ve also seen a plethora of links about eHarmony’s new Plus service. This is a new offering in which you pay an expert $5,000 to be your personal online dating… surrogate. They call it a ‘matchmaking professional,’ but in many ways, it’s also a surrogate. Or an avatar. And I don’t think you should spend that kind of cash on such a misguided approach to finding love. Save your money!
Basically, I think the bulk of what eHarmony offers in this service is actually detrimental to your search for love. First of all, no matter how many questions an expert asks to get to know your “type,” they’ll never truly be able to inhabit your brain and libido to know who you’ll be physically attracted to. They may be able to help you spot good matches based on interests and profile writing, but coaches tend to be more insightful when they’re able to observe who you’re after, see your patterns that may be holding you back, and teach you how to seek out better matches. (Sometimes it’s something like not being so limited about a superficial quality like eye color, and sometimes it’s a much broader thing like generally convincing you to give dating an extrovert a try even if you typically date introverts.) Those made-up examples are only two ideas, but basically, an expert should help teach you how to find your OWN matches more effectively, and they should ideally do so in a way that isn’t locked into a specific platform. So if eHarmony goes bankrupt next year, or you wind up moving to a new city where a different site is the popular one, you can still use that knowledge to self-help after you’ve shelled out for assistance.
Furthermore, when you outsource intimate, formative parts of the process, like messaging back and forth and setting up dates, you’re taking a BIG risk in terms of maintaining potential rapport and chemistry with those dates. Even if you carefully review everything your surrogate wrote on your behalf, you’re not going to perfectly memorize each little joke or the way they capitalize or punctuate a sentence or use certain turns of phrase. Heck, the way they make use of smiley faces/emoji may be wildly different from your vibe. You can try to train them to “be” you, but you’ll only get so far. There’s going to be a mismatch in tone, and it may well make it harder for you to have natural, comfortable conversations with the people you’ve pretended to correspond with. (Plus, I personally find it kind of disingenuous and disrespectful to outsource something as basic as texting to confirm a date; no matter how busy you are, that shows a certain lack of attention and effort that simply doesn’t paint you in a flattering light. It’s OK to do that for work things if you’re a bigwig, but it’s just not appropriate in your personal life! Are you also going to outsource picking out an anniversary gift ten years down the road? Touring potential houses together? I’m being deliberately hyperbolical here, but you get my drift–this is some basic humanity you’re trying to hire out, and that’s kinda shady and lame.)
I got so worked up rolling this feature over in my head that I made this video about it. (It doesn’t hurt that my hair was all awesome for a fancy party.) I hope you enjoy, and I hope that if you choose to hire me or any other coach for online dating help, that you pay WAY less than $5k and get WAY more out of it than what eHarmony’s describing! (My services start at $99, ya know. Yes, their is for a year, but frankly, with a good guide you shouldn’t need help for that long!)
By the way, I may have gotten it wrong in the video; Kristen Wiig’s character is on eHarmony too, so maybe he does use their service (voiced by Patton Oswalt, HA!) to get with her in the end. In the movie. Which is a movie. 🙂 And in case you’re interested, here’s the most interesting take I’ve seen on eHarmony Plus’s origin. And by the other way, the movie was based on a short story by James Thurber. [icon-heart]
P.S. Eeek. I say “like” a LOT in this one. Ugh. I’ll do better, like, next time, OK? Promise!
Comments 18
@askvirginia Just curious, do you know many people told by eHarmony that they’re too “eccentric” & “out of touch” to be matched?
I love my husband, but I don’t think I’d have spent $5k on finding him. My parents on the other hand… 🙂
Seriously tho. Considering that eHarmony matched me with a guy who worshipped the Egyptian sun god, Ra, I think their whole model is crap.
Ha! Well put! I don’t think ANY suggesting/matching algorithm is truly elegant and all encompassing these days. That doesn’t mean eHarmony is useless—it’s great for certain personality types, and I often assign the task of filling out their profile for some introspective self-assessment whether you end up paying or not. But it’s pretty funny that most real humans I know think their main feature (the 29 levels of compatibility matching blah blah) is a crock.
If you’re spending money to help you ‘find’ (or is it ‘buy’) a relationship…then you’ve definitely got some issues to work out before you embark upon that journey.
I don’t entirely agree, obviously since I charge people for that help. But there are different ways of spending money. Getting therapy to overcome emotional issues that hold you back from being in a healthy, loving relationship? Totally constructive spending. Getting weight loss/fashion/hair/aesthetic help if you realize you’ve never really taken pride in your appearance and you want that to change? Also constructive, usually. And getting advice if you’re going about things in a way that isn’t working? Well, that’s what I charge for. But basically outsourcing the process? THAT starts to cross a line, for me. (TONS of other coaches are happy to ghostwrite profiles and messages and even texts to potential dates. Not my thing, but that market exists.)
Spending money to improve one’s appearance, psychological health, and other self-improvement processes not withstanding, the kind of approach one thinks of as a paid service for relationship help is what most think of when it comes to eHarmony or other such sites. They don’t necessarily work to improve the participant – simply plug in your personal details and your preferences and voila’, a match is made. What they DON’T typically tell you about those successful relationships is that ‘normal’ people might have happy tales to tell, but what about those who should’ve been ‘Rejected by eHarmony’?
The rejected phenomenon is so weird. The whole reason Chemistry.com originally got started was to serve the market of people turned away by eHarmony’s obviously lacking algorithm in the early to mid 2000s. What a bizarre business strategy, you know? (I’ve whined about eHarmony’s OTHER major rejection category here; http://theheartographer.com/eharmony-and-homophobia)
I agree that simply plugging information into a system and expecting that to deliver you a happy, effort-free match is pretty foolish. (And ineffective, as anyone who’s tried modern online dating can tell you.) I wish it weren’t—in an ideal world, I wouldn’t be able to make a living as an online dating coach, because the sites and systems would work much better than they do and would provide better guidance to users during every step of the process. As it is, business is booming. (I’m hoping to consult with more online dating and social connection companies to improve the overall UX, and basically put myself out of business, haha.)
LOL…nothing like working yourself out of a career!
I know, right? 🙂 But realistically, my core goal has always been to help people connect in a more enjoyable and fun and effective way online. If better algorithms and better UX design are what will achieve that goal, I don’t consider it a failure, you know? That’s a win for everyone. I’ll go back to doing some other job; I’m good at versatility, haha.
I checked out eH+, mostly for giggles (as I’m a current and soon to be former subscriber in a few months anyway). Thought it was funny that they mentioned the main reasons why eH doesn’t work (profiles with minimal information and lack of responses being the main reasons, but pretty much par for the course in online dating anyway) buy why their personal/bespoke (yes, they used the term bespoke) does work (give us $5000US and we’ll make it work for YOU!). They also tweak and adjust your profile, 29 dimensions and some other back end stuff in order to get you more matches (uh, really?).
Don’t believe me…I know. Here’s the link: http://www.eharmony.com/ehplus/?CID=95164
Smells like a steaming pile to me.
Cool video
the price point to come in/opt in on-is quite attractive. though so, what is your utmost of unique/outstanding of opportunity/’why should I buy yours-even though with great price point to opt in of?
(my) wanted ad: wanted: a MAN WHO IS DEMOSTRATIVELY FACILE, luminary, self-incomed to the tune of portfolio kept up by a tradehouse. please be ever-so emotionally literate/coherent of heart, non-dual of relationship with Creator/’non-religious. also demonstrate your agent of hating abuse-especially when it comes to business..and relationships.
what I am NOT: a stick figured, 5’3″, stereo-typed of old fashioned blond & blue eyed-necessary. also otherwise-am not model-great looking-just okay on some sets of eyes.
what I AM: “i wear pants enough for myself only” I desire that you have the same going on. it is a respectful privilege to be in befriendment the start off well with with you. we’re not each other’s “sugar material” to rescue one another through.
so if you’re competent in this designate of confidence then let us
talk-warning: I am indeed allergic to: b.s., baggage, and have developed iron-steel of radar for sensing: socio/psychopathy, borderline p.d., unchecked of bi-polaring
we absolutely can’t be these. men are not simple creatures to me. my brotherhood buddies to me are not. these people are my safety net to template how to be with YOU-so please represent the safety net well. thanks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
as you may be able to tell by this layout of pre-requisite, i’m so over the possibility of leaving things upto looks and luck to make for a great journey out of things-for I’ve tried to let them run course-finding out by a few decades in time spent-they take way too long to filter. through. I desire relationship-and rogue hangouts interviewing each other-is all that is left of me to utilize the feltsense acknowledge that we’re going to derive a good journey.
if working with you introduces me to these kind of souls mentioned at the start of the paragraph-because your clients seek my bravado+, then indeed-please do contact me
‘looking forward,
janne
Author
Wow Janne, that’s a mouthful! 🙂 I’d love to chat with you more directly to see if we’re a good fit. Initially this has me wondering what sites you’ve posted this advert on, or is this just an approximation to give me a sense of your personality and goals?
Either way, one thing I find to be universally true is that it doesn’t work well to ask that your mate match X or Y standards in a profile or dating ad. It just sends the wrong tone, that you’re jaded and negative and sick of this whole horrid game. While that may actually be true, it rarely has the desired effect of landing you the sorts of people you’d like to click with! Leading with negativity tends to warn away the folks you’d actually want to meet up with.
Please feel free to reach out via the info on my contact page if you decide to move forward and set up a consult!
re; i haven’t left what i’ve stated-by ad anywhere, though i’m tempted to:/
i have grown greatly jaded/discouraged with the horridity of the game.
there’s truly gotta be better way(s) to click with great people-let alone men about
them, than what most unfiltering/screening sites don’t let one do so.
the smartest offers i’ve heard of utilizing so far are by: amy webb-via her book: data: a love story, and being/hanging out around camps: bryan reeves, steve harvey, and/or tripp lanier, and trustingly you:). so yes-i too would like to chat with you on seeing if we would be a good fit. i’m best for sharing a call in the evenings-could there be a text sent 1st before calling-that would be great!
my number: 707-752-1024
thanks!:)
I have been waiting for an opportunity to express my extreme anger at this type of advertising and misleading marketing. My experience is with another provider of such a service, I’t Just Lunch which I paid $300 a date, some of which were a cup of coffee. Yes, he paid. I was soooo mislead and soooo gullible and I would not trust a service of this kind again, or touch it with a 10 foot pole. And eHarmony wants $5K. Everyday, I listen to CNN on my car radio and I listen to these “crap” commercials about It’s Just Lunch. Honestly I cannot believe they are still in business, except it has been 3 years ago for me, and I am just speaking up now. Mostly because I see another potential scam in the works, preying on people who are really wanting to believe the hype. SAD!!! Once too I believed it.
I cannot stress too much that these are not good investments, they are scams – not ponzy schemes, they just won’t work and they don’t care that they don’t work. Look at It’s Just Lunch. Like that circus owner said a hundred years ago, “there’s always another sucker coming along.”. I know that’s not quite right, but you get it.
It’s a shame. Once upon a time there really were MatchMakers, Dolly Levy (Hello Dolly) being an example. I do believe that worked. People one on one.
Oh well, nuf said, but if anybody plunks down their money on either of these and it doesn’t work out, then you were warned. I am still angry. $300 cup of coffee. Truly. And I am a successful, attractive, intelligent woman (well, let’s question the intelligent LOL). If it does then you are (*&^%$ lucky and one in a million.
And you probably would have connected with a good person anyway.
Omg…I thought It’s Just Lunch was long gone! I paid $1500 12 yrs. ago and would never, ever have chosen one of the 6 men for a date. Supet rip of and now eh plus wants $5k?? Wow.
Hi Virginia! It’s great to meet a dating coach who’s helping people find
love! We’re just seeing your video about our premium service, eH+, and
hope to clear up a few things for those watching so there’s no confusion about what we offer.
Our matchmakers are all certified psychologists who help singles who want a more discreet, custom approach. The client’s eHarmony profile is also removed – eH+ is a completely offline service. Our matchmakers reach out to our clients’ matches to screen the match, make sure they’re a good fit for our clients, and see if the match is interested in speaking with our client. After we connect the match with our client, the rest is up to the two of them— from exchanging phone numbers to messaging back and forth and planning the date. It’s fun to hear back from them after they go on their dates!
Our matchmakers are also experts in dating, relationships, marriages, etc. so our clients receive constant feedback, date coaching, and advice on how they can present their best selves to their matches.
We hope that helps give a bit more info (and we hope you enjoyed the movie!)